I Hate Lotion

I hardly wear lotion, even though I’m supposed to.

Yeah, my skin is pretty rough because I’m always exposed to dry weather.

My skin really does feel better after I apply lotion.

But still… I hate that slimey feeling of lotion.

You probably won’t believe me… but I love wearing body oil.

I remember how some college guys would touch my arms and look at me funny. They suspected that I was wearing lotion when I was wearing body oil. I just kept my mouth shut because… I honestly thought that they would have strange fantasies if I admitted to wearing body oil.

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Wearing body oil makes me feel like Cleopatra. I don’t know why. I don’t even know if she wore body oil herself.

Body oil absorbs into my skin so much better than lotion, in my opinion. Plus, since it dries up so much faster, I don’t have to worry about feeling slimey throughout the day.

Maybe whenever I apply lotion, I put too much of it? Hmmm…

Anyways, I heard that body gel is also good on the skin. I might give it a try because I love how oil feels light on the skin, and I figure that body gel is another product that feels lighter than lotion.

Body Shop, your products smell good. And sometimes you offer great deals. But I wish I didn’t buy too many of your products when I was studying in California because I had to force myself to use them. *cries internally*

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One of My Greatest Enemies: Anxiety

I never knew that I had anxiety until I socialized with some of my college friends.

“What beauty products are you wearing?”

“What do you think about this?”

Stuff like that would make me extremely nervous.

If I say this, then I’ll embarass myself.

If I say that, then no one will believe me.

*Pause*

Now what…?

Making friends in college was a challenge. Whenever I took a long time to answer people, they would suspect that I was either hiding something or lying.

Guilt filled my mind. Sometimes I wished that I didn’t present myself in a certain way. At other times, I believed that I wasn’t being completely honest with myself.

And I wasn’t.

I believe I have anxiety because the way that I view myself contradicts how others see me; I thought of myself as a strange person while others really thought I was beautiful inside and out.

I have body issues. And because I’m an overachiever, I never feel satisfied and successful.

I can’t fully be myself around people because I don’t embrace who I am.

Now that I know that anxiety is one of my enemies, I’m trying to battle it by reading guides, journaling, and talking to a therapist.

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Everyday, I want to improve myself.

Since anxiety was something I guess I’ve had for many many years, I want to get rid of it quickly so that it doesn’t ruin my health and successes.

Why I Regret Overworking

One of the worst things about myself is that I’m an overachiever.

Some of you think that being an overachiever is a good thing. Well, honestly, I’m not proud of it.

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I became an overachiever when I was in high school.

I hated myself for slacking off in middle school. Moreover, I loathed myself for only getting accepted into one high school.

I made a huge deal out of my high school career. Not only did I study for many hours straight, but I also juggled a crap-ton of extracurriculars.

I’m so grateful to have made a few friends in high school despite my workload because I was very antisocial; I skipped most of the school dances, sports events, hangouts, … most social events.

As a college freshman, I exceeded my limits – physically and mentally.

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Despite how inexperienced I was at programming, I was fortunate enough to join a research group and be an active member in various STEM organizations.

Homework was last to do in my agenda. I wanted to have “the full college experience” – making friends, finding jobs, talking to professors and researchers, etc.

I never really prioritized anything. If I came across something that was work-related, then I had to do it and somehow squeeze assignments into my agenda.

I believed that my resume had to be astonishing because according to some of the posts I read in College Confidential, students and graduates struggle with finding jobs related to their degree(s).

So, because I was determined to fulfill my dream of becoming a programmer by overworking myself, everyday seemed… hazy.

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I swear I was sleep-walking everyday.

I’ve exhausted myself to the point of casually forgetting recent things.

And, sadly, I felt very lonely.

I wasn’t really socializing; I was mostly networking without making any new friends.

My reputation was everything, not my physical and mental health.

Oh, and it wasn’t just my health that I became upset about; I was dealing with family issues as well.

Some of the friends I made in college knew about those family issues, but not really how I felt about them.

Freshman year was when I learned that a close family member became ill.

Because my college was somewhat close to where my family member often stays, I felt obligated to visit her.

Sometimes my parents pressured me to visit her, but oftentimes I would push myself to visit her as often as I could. Since everyday felt like it could be her last day, I usually felt guilty for not being able to help her.

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I recall one time where I not only saw that family member, but I met a lot of other family members who were there to support her. The meeting was quite shocking because one of them either had a heart burn or a heart attack. My mind froze when he stopped breathing, turned red, and looked like he was falling asleep.

There were some other traumatizing things I witnessed that are kinda difficult to remember the details clearly. (My mind twisted a lot of the details to make them seem much more devastating than they actually were.)

Overworking with trauma, stress, and loneliness… oh my goodness… I should have visited a counselor. But at the time, I didn’t even know that counseling was an option.

I hope this blog post makes sense. I’m just freely writing whatever came into my mind when I thought about me working hard.

If I could go back to when I became a college freshman, I would tell myself to take it easy. Study hard, but take care of yourself. Also, your family members will become healthy. There’s nothing to fear. Just enjoy the present.

Why I Hate AESTHETIC

I don’t understand why this style is so popular.

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Even after reading the Know Your Meme page on “Aesthetic”, I… still can’t grasp what people love about the style’s neon/pastel colors, simplicity, and, most of all, unoriginality.

Maybe that’s it! The style is so unoriginal that people who like the retro, Japanese, elevator-music, and all-things similar can easily like it.

I know this post doesn’t really make any sense. I honestly don’t know how to express my dislike for the aesthetic.

It’s so hard for me to describe my dislike for it because… the aesthetic is a broad group of all things bland on the internet.

The music below should describe how distasteful and plain the aesthetic culture is.

I hope everything that I’ve said makes some sense.

“Things I Learned In College” (#1): How To Use My Smartphone

I can’t stop thinking about the funny and hard things I learned at my previous college.

Sometimes, I wish I learned these things earlier.

*Sigh* Well, at least it’s a good thing that I learned them.


 

#1 How to use a smartphone

No joke. I got a smartphone as my high school graduation present.

At first, the smartphone felt huuuge in my small hands compared to my first cellphone.

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New phone (Samsung) vs. old phone (Nokia)

It took me forever (the entire freshman year of college) to learn how to use a smartphone. (And I’m still learning how to use it as I continue to update it.)

I feel bad for all my family and friends who had to put-up with me trying to use my phone. My family would have a tough-time communicating with me because of long-distance calls, while my friends and I were really into texting each other.

It’s frustrating. Smartphones have so many features, and it’s difficult to manage all of them.

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Here are some of the things I learned (because I feel like listing them, and looking back at this post with giggles):

1.) There are different volume settings for ringtone, media, notifications, system, and calling.

2.) Make sure you completely mute your phone whenever you need to. (Make sure you manually adjust all the volume bars for the ringtone, media, and calling modes.)

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3.) If you call someone with a low calling volume, and you tell them that you can’t hear them when they can hear you on their end, then they’ll think you’re crazy (and most likely try calling you again to get the same results).

4.) If you call someone and they sound muffled even though your calling volume is fine, then either you, the person you’re calling, or both of you are not in a calling-friendly setting.

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5.) It’s hard to use the touchscreen when you’re in calling-mode because the touchscreen automatically turns-off and blacks-out in that mode.

6.) You need to download an emoji keyboard from the app store because your default keyboard doesn’t always have the emoji option in all the messaging apps.

7.) You don’t have to use the default wallpaper and screensaver options.

8.) Don’t use live wallpapers and screensavers even though they’re so cool and your old cellphone never had those options.

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9.) A “butt-dial” means that you accidentally made a phone call, regardless of whether or not your butt was the cause of it.

10.) You can lock your phone so that you don’t accidentally touch any applications (and accidentally “butt-dial” people).

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11.) Use your (then-new) Facebook account to keep yourself updated with college events and news.

12.) Facebook Messenger (supposedly) has a clearer-sounding calling feature than my default phone app.

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13.) Don’t keep any apps running in the background because they use up your 4G, and consequentially slow down the loading-time for your apps.

14.) Just turn-off your phone whenever you travel. I always remember to turn-on “Airplane Mode”, but I usually forget to turn it off.

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15.) You can delay message sending.

16.) Don’t delay message sending anymore. This feature causes a lot of problems, including failed message sending. (My messages don’t always send at the predicted time. They either don’t send at all, or get sent much, much later.)

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And last, but not least…

17.) It’s okay. You were trying to get accustomed to new technology. Some of the problems you had were either due to the manufacturer, the not-so-calling-friendly environment, or just your clumsiness. Just thank God that this isn’t your phone:

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A burned Samsung Galaxy S6. Samsung is known for their burning smartphones (especially the infamous Note 7).